We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I got inside last night via doggy door
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
