She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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