Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
