I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
someone owes me an orgasm
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
