tonight lets celebrate not being married
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
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I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
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You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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