dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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