A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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