Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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