my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
