I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ttyl tear gas
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize