mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
