Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
My underwear smells like fireworks.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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