PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
