u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
