When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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