Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
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I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
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He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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