I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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