Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
