dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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