Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
