My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
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A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
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So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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