Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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