I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
