Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
When are your genitals available?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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