Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
