you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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