You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
