I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
