The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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