WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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