omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
