i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
