I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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