Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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