My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
