we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
