An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
