I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
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And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
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What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.