I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
So many bounce houses so little time
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
