we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
