You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You are a genius and a whore.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
