I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
