she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
