I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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