maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
