Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
