I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
