I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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