When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
