I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
