my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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