We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
did i just pee glitter
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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