i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
