drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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