just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
