i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
