My underwear smells like fireworks.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
